Jeeves and Wooster

Quote List

Bertie Wooster: I cannot do with anymore education Jeeves! I was full up years ago!
Stephanie 'Stiffy' Byng: "Bertie, I think you're a pig!" Bertie Wooster: "A pig, maybe, but a shrewd, level-headed pig, a pig who was not born yesterday and has seen a thing or two."
Spode: And three, the compulsory scientific measurement of all adult male knees! Not for the true-born Englishman the bony angular knee of the so-called intellectual, not for him the puffy knee of the criminal classes. The British knee is firm, the British knee is muscular, the British knee is on the march! (his followers applaud)
Aunt Dahlia: Your Uncle Tom's been having a bad time lately with his collection; everything he's tried to buy, that blasted Watkyn Bassett has pipped him at the post! If he can get this thing cheaply, it may save him from an early grave. (Jeeves clears his throat) Aunt Dahlia: You have one of your wonderful ideas, Jeeves? Jeeves: If Mr. Wooster, while sneering, could imply that the object is probably of modern Dutch manufacture, then the vendor might be the more inclined to lower his ambitions. Bertie: Why Dutch? Jeeves: The Dutch, Sir, while an admirable people in many ways, and renowned for their domestic hygiene, are not considered to be of the first rank in matters of argentine craftsmanship. Aunt Dahlia: (to Bertie) Well, you heard what Jeeves said; now, run along and sneer!
Bertie: Send a telegram canceling that last telegram! Jeeves: Ah, I haven't sent this one yet, Sir. Bertie: What? Well, get moving, Jeeves! Get them both off at once. Jeeves: Yes, Sir.
Spode: Ah, Jeeves! Glad to see you here. You're just the sort of person we need in the movement... the working masses. Jeeves: I hesitate to contradict you, Mr. Spode, but the working masses and I have barely a nodding acquaintanceship. Good afternoon.
Jeeves: Shall I lay out one of your novelty handkerchiefs for you today, Sir? Bertie: Oh, come off it, Jeeves! Everyone wears things with initials on them nowadays. Jeeves: I thought the practice was restricted to those who were in danger of forgetting their names, Sir.
Bertie: You can't be a successful dictator and design women's underclothing. Jeeves: No, Sir. Bertie: One or the other, not both. Jeeves: Precisely, Sir.
Bertie: Have you ever seen a floral clock, Jeeves? Jeeves: I've not had that pleasure, Sir. Bertie: Oh, well, don't. Have nothing whatever to do with floral clocks. If a friend says, 'Just one more floral clock can't do you any harm,' be firm. Jeeves: I shall do as you recommend, Sir.
Aunt Agatha: The Innmouth Museum is renowned for its collection of napped flints. Bertie: Ah, well, that's the trouble, you see... only last week, the doctor said I wasn't even to look at another napped flint. Sad, I know, but... Aunt Agatha: Don't talk drivel, Bertie. And stand up straight!
Biffy: Is it really true you were once engaged to Honoria? Bertie: It is. Biffy: How on earth did you manage to get out... I mean, uh, what was the nature of the tragedy that prevented your marriage?
Bertie: We shall be going down to Devon for a couple of weeks this afternoon, Brinkley. I hope that meets with your approval. Brinkley: Don't have any say, do I? Bertie: Uh, yes... I see what you mean.
Bertie: And you love this, um... (laughs) ...excuse me, this Marmaduke? Pauline: I'm dippy about him, Bertie. Don't you just worship the way his hair sort of fluffs up at the back? Bertie: My dear girl, I have better things to do than go about staring at the back of Chuffy's head. The front's bad enough.
Aunt Agatha: She will mould you! Bertie: I don't want to be moulded. I'm not a jelly. Aunt Agatha: That is a matter of opinion.
Bertie: Tell me, Jeeves, were you always like this, or did it come on suddenly? Jeeves: Sir? Bertie: The brain, the grey matter. Were you an outstandingly brilliant child? Jeeves: My mother thought me intelligent, Sir. Bertie: Well, you can't go by that! My mother thought me intelligent!
Aunt Agatha: I have never heard anything so spineless in all my life! Bertie: Well... I'm sorry! Can a chap say more? You know, I lost my nerve... could have happened to anyone! Aunt Agatha: Not to anyone with a spine!
Bertie: I say, Jeeves, as a matter of interest, what are you doing? Jeeves: I'm sorting through these clothes, Sir. These (indicating one pile of clothes) are for repair, and these (indicating the other pile) for discarding. Bertie: Oh, wait a second! This white mess jacket is brand new! Jeeves: I assumed it had got into your wardrobe by mistake, Sir. Or else that it had been placed there by your enemies. Bertie: I will have you know, Jeeves, that I bought this in Cannes. Jeeves: (disbelieving) And wore it, Sir?
Bertie: So! It appears that you've gone and got engaged to the Gussie. Angela: Quite right. We're in love. Bertie: Oh, come now, Angela. Gussie's... Gussie's a splendid chap in many ways... if you've got a sick newt on your hands, well, Gussie's just the fellow to tell you what to do until the doctor comes. But honestly, old thing, you could fling bricks by the half hour in England's most densely populated districts without hitting one girl willing to become Mrs. Fink-Nottle without general anesthetic.
Sir Roderick: Mr. Wooster, we have had our differences in the past... Bertie: No, no, no... I feel a distinct warming toward you, Sir Roderick, now I learn that you've managed to give little Seabury one or two on the spot indicated. Sir Roderick: Only one, I regret to say, but it was a good one!
Bertie: Sinister, Jeeves. You notice that the subject was looking like a stuffed frog? Jeeves: There is something ranine in Mr. Glossop's aspect, Sir, yes. Particularly about the eyes. Bertie: Precisely, Jeeves. I think our fears are justified. The thing is serious.
Tuppy: Who's the chap in the fancy dress? Bertie: He's the Captain. Nice fellow... speaks very good French. Tuppy: (to the Captain) Um... look, I'm terriby sorry, Senor. Quel fromage and all that. (to Bertie) That'll hold him. They love it when you speak the old lingo.
Bertie: By the way, Jeeves, on no account let me agree to us staying here overnight. Jeeves: Very good, Sir. Might one enquire why? Bertie: Because, Jeeves, of all places on this great planet of ours, West Neck, Long Island has been chosen to be the most unexciting. The last time anything remotely interesting happened here was in 1842, when a tree fell over. They still talk about it in the village.
Jeeves: I read a most stimulating article in the New York Times, Sir, the author of which asserts that mustaches are a most notorious cause for divorces in many parts of the country. Bertie: Jeeves, I dont' care if it's the cause of staggers in race horses! I will not have you editing my upper lip! Jeeves: As you wish, Sir.
Dame Daphne: The nephew of a friend of mine is also meant to be here. I wonder if you know him? A Mr. Wooster. Bertie (pretending to be Gussie Fink-Nottle): Bertie Wooster? Oh, yes! Well, I've not actually had the pleasure, but I've heard of him. That's how I know his name... yes. Dame Daphne: Apparently, he's completely irresponsible. Agatha says she often wonders if the kindest thing wouldn't be to put him in some kind of home. Bertie: (looking shocked) Well, if that isn't just... (realization sets in) Yes... ah... I wonder, has everyone heard the one about the ah, fan dancer and the performing flea?
Bertie: Jeeves, there was a book on the little table-thing by the sofa... Jeeves: Was it entitled 'Strength Through Willpower' by Lady Florence Craye, Sir? Bertie: That's the one, Jeeves. Jeeves: I placed it by your bedside, Sir. I took the liberty of glancing through the volume and thought it might make an excellent remedy for insomnia. Would you like me to get it, Sir? Bertie: No. No, no... I'l... I'll get it, Jeeves. Just thought I'd leave it casually lying about. She gave it to me, you see... trying to improve my mind, I dare say. Jeeves: That seems scarcely possible, Sir.
Aunt Dahlia: Everard's a real artist. His stuff's good; some of it's even in the Tate. Look at that... (pointing to a painting) that's one of Everard's. Bertie: Oh, I like the patina! Aunt Dahlia: You don't even know what a patina is! Bertie: Well, no; but it's generally safe to say something like that when confronted with a bit of art.
Bertie: This is a bit steep, Jeeves. Jeeves: Approaching the perpendicular, Sir.
Bertie: Georgie, I'm engaged to Florence again. George: Oh, well, congratulations. That's a bit sudden, isn't it? Bertie: Yes, well, Florence is like a volcano; you can go around thinking it's been extinct for centuries, and suddenly you're covered in red-hot lava.
Jeeves: You'll pardon me mentioning it, Sir, but I discovered this article on our hatrack. I can only assume a tradesman left it. Bertie: Oh, Jeeves, we're not going to have a difference of opinion about that hat, are we? Jeeves: I'm not yet in a position to say, Sir.
Jeeves: As long as Lady Florence is unattached, there is always the danger of her turning her attentions towards you again, Sir. She becomes what is known in nautical circles as a loose cannon.
Stiffy: Harold! One of you! Do something! Bertie: (shrugging) I'm a coward.
Bertie: No, I'm not myself. Madeline Bassett's been preying on my mind. The prospect of being linked for life to a girl who would come down to breakfast, put her hand over my eyes and say 'Guess who?' has given my morale a wallop. Jeeves: I can understand, Sir... very unpleasant. Bertie: And what Lady Florence might do at breakfast is beyond imagining!